-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my ownstory that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
-Nothing stinks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
-I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like checkyour watch orphone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magicallyfix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all knowhow to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards orFAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
-There is a great need for sarcasm font.
-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
-How in the world are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags up my forearms than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I trying to finish a text.
- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you s*ck at it.
- Was learning cursive really necessary?
- Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else tosay".
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a moron from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in'examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said"Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
- I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."
-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
- Bad decisions make good stories.
-Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that theirprofile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if Ido!
-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring wouldprobably just be completely invisible.
-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to goaround and say their name and where they are from, I get so incrediblynervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be aproblem....
-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at workwhen you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anythingproductive for the rest of the day.
-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
-There's no worse feeling than that millisecond after leaning your chairback a little too far when you're sure you're going to die.
-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear Idid not make any changes to.
- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this, ever.
-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dangit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goesto voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
-When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, thenI like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speedfor pedophiles.
- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
-Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
-I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -but I bet my a - - everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what wouldhappen if you ran over a ninja?" How the heck do I respond to that?
-I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
-The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating torequire such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fatty before dinner.
(I did not write this, but I wish I had.)
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